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No More Bedtime Battles!

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No More Bedtime Battles!

Do you often dread what happens after dinner? Does your little one turn into a Jack (or Jill)-in-the-Box at night? Are high-decibel repeated requests for water just another part of the nightly routine at your house? And what about those marathon midnight chases up and down the stairs–are they so frequent you substitute them for an hour at the gym?

According to professional nanny Fran Denbow, a few decisive steps in the overall evening routine can help transform “that time” into bedtime sublime. Logging 18 years as an A-list nanny for top agencies including Portland (Maine) Nannies, and now working in Atlanta, Denbow’s nighttime strategies begin long before bed.

“It’s important to establish a routine, and the routine must be done in the same order every night,” she says, for example dinner and maybe a little TV. It’s also important at an appointed time to announce to the child that in another half hour it will be time to get ready for bed, followed by another warning 15 minutes later, she explains, which starts to prepare them. “You can’t just suddenly say OK, it’s bedtime,” as children do not respond well to something abrupt.

Here, again, routine is important such as taking a bath, letting them pick out their own pajamas, etc. “Participating in the bedtime ritual by choosing pajamas, even if top and bottom don’t match, and choosing books to read (as long as you limit what’s available), and switching on a fun nightlight can make bedtime something a child looks forward to,” Denbow explains. “Kids are creatures of habit so a pattern is good for them, and you can make it special.”

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For a challenging child–one who is in the habit of getting up repeatedly–Denbow recommends exercising firmness. Putting him or her back to bed without engaging in lengthy conversation or explanations about what you are doing is the key to ending the behavior. “Don’t show a lot of emotion either way,” she says. Kids are looking for attention in any form they can from you, and words or displays of emotion will show them they’ve gotten it giving them no reason to stop their behavior.

“It may take half the night the first night,” Denbow admits, affirming that the act of putting a child back to bed with a straightforward, “You have to be in bed. Good night,” should be the extent of the interaction. “If you give in, they’ll push the issue indefinitely and you’ll have to start over every night.”

Taking a more positive tack, Denbow suggests putting up a chart with fun stickers for incentive. For every night the child goes to bed peacefully, s/he gets to pick out a sticker the next morning and put it up. After they’ve accumulated a certain amount, they receive a reward in the form of a treat or an outing–something they really want. “I would recommend trying this first,” she says, though admitting there may be some children in extreme instances for whom this won’t work.

“In that case, you may have to start taking things away,” she says, but not at night in the throes of another up and down issue. “It’s best to talk about a punishment the next morning (so as not to make the evening more difficult for everyone). If you are taking something away, tell him or her the next morning by way of a warning that if it happens again tonight, this is what will happen.” If nothing changes, review what you said on the morning after and follow through.

In effect, Denbow says prudent bedtime habits begin long before the toddler stage.

“If a baby is crying and parents have been up half the night, maybe after a long day of work, they start bringing the baby into bed with them,” she said. This is a mistake because when they eventually try to acclimate the baby back to the crib, they’ve already established another pattern.

“If you can start when the child is a baby by not bringing him into bed with you, and not constantly rocking him or her to sleep, you may never have these bedtime battles,” she maintains, adding the technique may sound harsh. “Start (leaving the baby in the crib at night) when s/he is about eight weeks old. The baby may cry and it could take a few nights or a week or two, but s/he’s going to accept the routine.”

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1 Susan Higgins { 01.17.17 at 12:42 pm }

Vickie Poppen: I’m assuming you’ve check his allergies and if it’s laundry detergent, etc. causing the itching? Good luck to you and your daughter.

2 Vickie Poppen { 01.17.17 at 1:02 am }

My daughter has a hard time getting her 2 yr. old going to bed at night some of it is because he itches so bad from a skin problems but she has medicine for that but he is still supposed to take Benadryl about an hour before bed time but it doesn’t always work and if she is out of it and can’t get anymore until the next day. He loves to run around and play before he tires out and goes to bed. She won’t let me do what I did for her because she doesn’t want to hear him cry. I have told her that some crying is good just don’t let him cry for a any length of time about 15 -20 minutes at a time then go in and comfort him just long enough he understands that it’s bedtime. It usually only took maybe 2 nights at the most. She really needs help. I wish she would let me help her.

3 Susan Higgins { 07.20.15 at 3:48 pm }

Hi Jackie, Terrific! Thanks for sharing!

4 jackie { 07.19.15 at 10:29 pm }

I rocked my two boys who are 15 months apart every night until they were about 3. It was a special bonding time for us. It broke my heart to have them cry themselves to sleep. I makes them more anxious and cry more if you ignore them. My sons are now 36 and 37 and very well adjusted as children and now as adults.

5 Dalene { 07.19.15 at 4:35 pm }

Kyk bietjie of dit help

6 Kaye { 07.19.15 at 3:52 pm }

Allowing a baby to cry is abusive. There have been endless studies that show the serious long term negative effects. Babies cry to get their needs met. Not meeting those needs teaches the child to shut down.
Baby the baby when he is a baby and you don’t have to baby him the rest of his life.

7 Carolann { 05.15.13 at 11:28 pm }

My father used to play a game with us. We called it school, I don’t know why. He would take the coins in his pants pocket in put them behind his back. We would sit on the bottom step. He would put his hands behind his back, then put them in front of him. When it was my turn, i got to guess which hand. He would open that hand, if it had two coins, i advanced two steps. Then he would repeat the actions with my brothers. We would play the game until we got to the top of the staircase. First one there got the largest coin, usually a quarter. Then we ran to brush our teeth and wait for him to tuck us in, while he finished up with the other two siblings… We loved that game. We didn’t know it was to get us to bed without a hassle.

8 Laurel Cibik { 05.15.13 at 10:44 pm }

This is classic, standard advice. It is the same as found in many helpful books, one of which I carried around like it was my bible for a period of time when my kids were both under age 3. One very important omission in this article: never let your kids develop the habit of falling asleep with a screen on – no parental copping-out by letting them drift off watching a DVD. I would like to say that, despite these good ideas, my 10 year old is still difficult at bedtime. Nevertheless, I still rely on some of these tactics – at this age mainly the maintenance of bedtime routines and “taking away” screen time the next day if there is not cooperation at bedtime. These tactics can make a difference, and it helps so much to know what to do if a child is acting out at bedtime. Without a plan, a parent can end up feeling very frustrated and helpless right at the hour when they themselves are the most tired. Over time, this can even lead to a parent verbally or physically abusing a child who “won’t go to sleep.” Kids today in general are sleep-deprived, and some situations where a child seems to have a learning or behavioral problem are actually caused by chronic exhaustion – the child ends up scattered, “over-wired,” and emotionally off-balance. So, it’s extremely important to help kids get good sleep.

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