Halloween Jokes, Groans, and Puns

Enjoy these very "punny" jokes and one-liners from well-known verbalist Richard Lederer to help scare you into the Halloween spirit!

October is one of our favorite months here at the Farmers’ Almanac. Apples, pumpkins, colorful leaves, crisp temperatures and, of course, Halloween. Here are some very punny puns from well-known verbalist Richard Lederer to help scare you into the Halloween spirit!

Halloween Jokes, Groans, and Puns

What do ghosts serve for dessert?
I scream.

What does a vampire fear most?
Tooth decay.

What do witches use on their hair?
Scare Spray.

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

What’s a ghost’s favorite snack?
A bagel with scream cheese

Where do baby ghost go during the day?
Dayscare centers.

What do ghosts say when something is really neat?

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts.

What did the exorcist do to keep in shape?
He rode an exorcycle.

How did the ghost repair the rip in his sheet?
With a pumpkin patch.

What do you call a chicken that haunts your house?
The poultrygeist.

A waitress once asked Dracula, “How would you like your stake, and would you like scream in your coffin?”

What happens when you fail to pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.

Why don’t mummies take vacations?
They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.

What do you get when you burn a monster in Hungary?
Hungarian ghoul ash.

Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?
He didn’t have a haunting license.

What do you call a ghost that sits in the picture window of a haunted house?
A window shade.

One witch told another witch, “I want one of those new computers that has a spell checker.”

Don’t bother inviting the Invisible Man to your Halloween party. He won’t show up. Sometimes he makes excuses, but they’re all transparent.

You don’t have to worry about Daylight Saving Time at Halloween. The holiday is always on Green Witch Mean Time.

What kind of monster do you have to look out for at the laundromat?
A wash’n werewolf.

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Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language - Lederer on Language: A Celebration of English, Good Grammar, and Wordplay
Richard Lederer

Richard Lederer is a writer, speaker, and teacher best known for his books on word play and the English language and is a regular contributor to the Farmers' Almanac. You can visit his web site at Verbivore.

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Chris Gifford

These are dad jokes, they are 2/3’s of a pun, a “P U”! But oh so entertaining hearing the kids groan, “lame dad, lame”.

Mary mann

Your right groans and moans but funny

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